One morning, I was awakened by a knock at the door. I rolled out of bed, threw a blanket over my shoulder because it was cold, and made my way to the front of the house. I opened the door and a very nice Mormon lady handed me a pamphlet and launched in to a well-rehearsed spiel about accepting jesus in to my life when she stopped mid sentence and gave me a peculiar look. I used this pause in her speech to politely decline her offer and wish her a pleasant morning. It wasn’t until I looked at what she handed me that I understood why I stopped her in her tracks and then proceeded to laugh for the next half hour by myself.
The best thing I ever bought was a banana costume for my dog. Hands down. It shames her so I put it on when we expect new people to come to our house and it keeps her from being crazy. She just stands there.
A few weeks ago my japanese class did a gift exchange with our penpal class in japan and their box of stuff came in today. All of the gifts had really cute messages on yellow notes. This one was my favorite..
LETS BECOME DIABETES
Okay so I have to go do stuff but I’m gonna leave y’all with a story
I knew a kid in high school who was kind of a stoner/slacker type, right? We all know someone like this. And one day I mention Dave Strider in class and he looks up and goes “THE AUTHOR OF SWEET BRO AND…
SOMEBODY IS PLAYING A PIANO AND IT’S MIDNIGHT HERE WHY
UPDATE: I FIGURED OUT THEY’RE PLAYING “MY HEART WILL GO ON”
UPDATE: I JUST OPENED MY DOOR AND YELLED “JACK” THE MUSIC STOPPED AND I CAN HEAR SOMEBODY RUNNING DOWN THE HALL ABOVE ME SHOUTING “ROSE” OMG
CAN I SHIP IT
No, itll sink
so I’m at a gas station getting RED BULL AND THE GUY INFRONT OF ME IS TRYING TO GET CONDOMS AND HIS CARD GOT FUCKING DECLINED AND THIS LITTLE OLD WOMAN BEHIND ME WHISPEREd “he just got cock blocked by visa” I FUCKING SHAT MYSELF
the other day i went with a friend to the museum, and outside its entrance, was greeted with this:
eight cats. sitting there. perfectly still. everyone around them was cooing and taking pictures but those cats did not budge. for a moment i was actually wondering whether that was supposed to be some sort of experimental new performance art.
but then one lady came out of the museum and they all got up and followed after her. good god, i hope they’re her cats. i hope they do this everywhere she goes. just follow after her and patiently wait outside every building she enters like the world’s most disciplined children.
Exactly. THANK YOU :)
there was a monarch butterfly outside with a torn wing and i thought it was dead so i went to pick it up off the ground with a flower but it began to hurriedly clutch onto it trying to drink something. it was totally trembling; it had a gash on it’s body and i knew it was dying but i couldn’t bring myself to kill it, so i googled a monarch’s favourite food and it ended up being mandarins. he literally devoured as much as he could before dying and i buried him outside my window.
You’re a good person